the “dark age” must stop here, so decided to make a new (hopefully more cheerful) one at wordpress…
been writing too much ‘despair’ here..
could drown deeper and dissapear..
(don’t want that, do we?)
hmmm..
maybe i’d write here again (when the agony’s too much, hohoho..)
but not today 
yesterday, maybe she didn’t, today, maybe she doesn’t, but tomorrow, she will know .. 
I dreamt of that guy again, and this one was like a conclusion of those recurring dreams.
It got weirder.
It’s as if he’s already tied the knot, and we met somewhere. He tried to talk casually, lots of people were there, but there were some hints of him avoiding me.
Then I just shouted, on top of my lungs:
“YOU @$$HOLE!!
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING??!”
And followed him.
He ran. I chased him. He tried to block my path, putting this and that behind him, but nevertheless, I caught up (this is the difference from the other dreams, I never could find him).
When I almost got him, though, he entered a house. A two storied house, where a staircase was located on the right side of the foyer.
Severel maids were around. And somehow the owner’s slant-eyed.
I saw a second trimester pregnant girl in pajamas, and I wondered, who on earth she was, but no clue.
One of the maid asked me why I was there, and I said I came to meet him.
She said he’s on a family meeting (bull!). Didn’t buy that, of course.
I told her I was his friend. I also said I saw him running home. (matter of fact, I’d been the cause of his running home!)
She kept selling lies. I was rather upset, and was about to say that I’d go upstairs myself when he showed up.
In sweater. (oh, that’s soo long ago!)
They asked him who I was, and he said: an old friend.
We went out of the house (I kinda forgot this part).
I was furious all along the way, because he acted as if nothing had happened.
It’s like years ago, walking side by side. The only difference was, I hadn’t been mad.
I kicked him, I punched his back, I hit any part of his body I could reach, but he ignored me. He even talked to some guys we came across instead (It was a crowded street).
I spat it out. All the way. All of it. I blamed him for getting hitched, for walking away, for not being there, etc., etc., and this was what he finally did:
He gave me a looooong brotherly kiss on my right cheek (that’s how it felt, brotherly, though deep down i fantasized that it was an affectionate one) and said,
“This is all because nobody else had kissed you.”
That shut me up, no doubt.
We continued walking, hand in hand now, until we reached a crossroad.
My heart was like, Oh God, this is it, the end, the Goodbye, bold and capital G.
But no, we both crossed the road, entered a small room where there were some of his friends, from the look of it.
O, such pests they were! They took my book, my pencil case lid, my pen. But I didn’t just sit there motionless. If they took one, I grabbed one of theirs too. Full of rage.
Deep inside I felt, Oh, you’re not gonna get away with this. You don’t know who you deal with.
He was, when it all happened, indifferent.
He talked to an elderly guy beside him of how much would it cost to cancel the whole matrimony thing. I jumped into the conversation, saying, “You gotta wait for 3 months, see, to make sure she’s not with child.”
When he asked about the cancellation, however, I couldn’t help but thinking that he was somewhat being silly, he took it all too easily, like it was all a simple thing, cancelling the delivery order or something.
Then I woke up, startled.
always…
everytime i stare at this blank area, poof! all i wanted to write disappear..
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.–./.-.././.-/…/.//…/.-/…-/.//–/./.-.-.-/.-.-.-/
chocolate..
weird snacks..
ugly songs..
ciao bella..
His Dark Materials Trilogy, all of them..
Stardust..
Parfait Tic 18..
7th book of HP..
what will be next?
how much more?
ngliyeng..clogged nose..but my body is stronger than i thought..
yeah, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. eventually, before the mutated virus strikes again.
in a rather cynical remark, what doesn’t kill you deserves the table turned. (Lord, take this nasty thought away..)
tensi tetep. 110/80. tanpa resep.
seeing the scar, she said, "Bakat keloid ya?"
yep. and the older i get, the more visible they are, the more i am prone to have’em.
man, i am di.. nah, this is not dizzy. it’s not in my head, it’s somewhere behind my nose..way behind.
the feeling is like when you’re being pushed against the wall, fiercely, and there’s an enormous hand on your forehead, keeping you in that position, an hour or so.
and this darn air conditioner worsens the situation.
man, how weeks fly!
recently i kinda wanted days to last more than 24 hours each.
yeah, either that, or the ability to split myself in, not just two, but maybe twenty or so. (consider Kali, eh?)
there’s not enough time to do things.
i mean, at the same time, you want to eat, sleep, exercise, read for pleasure, broaden the knowledge, listen to music, etc.,etc.
you could read and eat, or eat and listen to music, but it’s impossible to eat and sleep. at the same time, of course.
yadda yadda yadda..
haven’t fulfilled the quota for the day. or the month. the past year.
23000 words? or 2000? 20000? multiply it by 365. put them in a long-necked-tiny-mouthed bottle. now, imagine them as the hyperactive kids who want to come out and play all at once.
the result? me.
if everything you do gets back at you..then..what do you think?
sitting still all day, no word, no gesture, nothing. for fifty years (yeah, fifty is enough).
that way, the next fifty years (which would most likely be less than it) i wouldn’t have to worry anything would get back at me.
i mean, substract zero from zero. you got zilch.
but my life would be a complete oblivion then.
ha ha.
embrace ‘em all, mcphee..
what you resist persists..
embrace ‘em all..
that’s the first step.
what’s this? birthday phobia? is there such thing?
perhaps not, in life, in general. but in my world, yea. such thing does exist.
(your world? you don’t even own a cubic inch of it)
this may sound exaggerating, but hey, i gotta spit this out.
i almost forgot it, this year. almost forgot to take the cautious steps before D-day. almost forgot that hope can be most devastating.
when your friends set up some crazy plans on that day, e.g pretending to be mad at you or ignoring you as if you’re just a tiny speck of dust; ending it all by shouting: "Surprise!!!" "Saeng il chuk ha ham ni da!" on their widely smiling faces, that’s fine. that’s part of the joy. they’re sweet. even if that includes your head as their water balloons target. (not that i agree with that)
but when it’s done deliberately to crush you into pieces, to shatter your wishes, smash’em to smithereens..THAT’S CRUEL.
it’s my day. don’t i at least, deserve a day that would last ok from dawn till dusk?
it doesn’t have to be awe-inspiring, fantastic, it doesn’t even have to be fine… an ok is enough. i don’t need no precious gifts, all i want is a day where i can smile wholeheartedly, not halfheartedly.
i’d hate to think that in a year from now, i should wake up and remind myself that the day, no matter how sweet it may seem, keeps a hidden thorn ready to rip your heart out.
i don’t need this to keep me human.
should i just skip it?
Will you let them suck your soul once more?
Numb your senses and feed on your agony?
i know, this time is a faint silvery mist,
but soon, a charming, sleek cheetah will appear…
March 30&31, 2007
Kenapa gerbong kereta api kita beda satu sama lainnya? sudah berkali-kali naik kereta tapi jarang banget nemu gerbong yang isinya beres (padahal satu kereta lho…).
Kalo bukan AC yang terlalu dingin, ya tv yg nyala separo (dan itu adalah tv yang letaknya di belakang kepala kita), toilet yang ga ada air/tisunya, sandaran kaki yang copot, etc.
gerbong KA Argo Bromo Anggrek yang kami naiki kebetulan termasuk gerbong yang ga beres ini. Kursi dengan sandaran yang aneh, tidak nyaman diduduki. Dingin pula.
Alhamdulillah sampai di Tawang dengan selamat, meskipun kedinginan dan badan kaku-kaku plus mata sepet kurang tidur.
Yang menarik, sewaktu kereta masuk stasiun, subuh-subuh, ada musik aneh yang mengalun. Lagunya sih familiar di telinga, tetapi sampai sekarang zic belum tau itu lagu apa. Lagu lama..mungkin ada hubungannya dengan stasiun Tawang. Coba Bee ikut, pasti dia tau. (Tung ting tung ting teng, tung ting dung ding deng..^_^;)
Gantian shalat subuh (nungguin barang bawaan), zic liat sebuah sosok berjaket mengepulkan asap (halah, ngomong wae weruh wong ngrokok). Klepas klepus. Ha kok ternyata itu adalah seorang ibu-ibu! (sambil batuk2 kena asap rokok sialan itu berpikir, ini orang mana ya?)
Setelah shalat naik taksi (seratus duapuluh ribu, ke Saga. kenapa ga kepikir naik bis ya?). Masih gelap, dan di dalam mobil bau air freshenernya sangat menusuk. zic buka jendela, angin Semarang yang segar masuk.
Ngeng ngeng ngeng, taksi menggelinding di jalan yang masih sepi.zic dengan sok taunya bertanya-tanya dengan bahasa Jawa gimana cuaca akhir2 ini (jurus andalan memulai percakapan, tanya cuaca? ain’t that British?) yang dijawab dengan pernyataan bahwa Semarang ga banjir, padahal bulan2 ini biasanya banjir (rob ya istilahnya?).
Ga lama kemudian, taksi berbelok ke sebuah SPBU. Isi bensin. Sopir taksi keluar, kami menunggu di dalam. Waktu itulah terjadi kejadian yang bakal bikin perjalanan pulang ini ga terlupakan.
Si pengisi bensin rupanya kurang pas ketika memasukkan nozzle ke tempat bensin. Sopir taksi saat itu berdiri di dekatnya. Sewaktu nozzle akan dicabut (sepertinya begitu), tau-tau bensin menyembur keluar dari nozzle (zic liat ini, pas lagi noleh ke belakang) dan mengguyur muka dan baju si sopir taksi. Unbelievable! Baru sekali itu liat orang keguyur bensin (as if anyone would want to experience that many times!).
Si sopir taksi langsung lari ke kamar mandi, meninggalkan taksinya dan kami yang berpandang-pandangan karena kaget. Sopir taksi dari perusahaan yang sama yang kebetulan ada di belakang kami kemudian masuk ke taksi yang kami tumpangi. zic pikir dia menggantikan temannya yang terguyur bensin, tapi ternyata dia hanya meminggirkan taksi kami agak ke depan.
Beberapa saat kemudian sopir taksi yang terguyur bensin kembali lagi. Lengkap dengan bau bensin yang menguar sangat tajam dari bajunya serta pisuhannya ("kurang asem!"). Tapi selebihnya si sopir tidak terluka. Well, that if we ignore the fact that the gasoline also splashed onto his eyes.
Perjalanan berlanjut, dan kali ini zic benar2 tidak tahan untuk tidak membuka jendela. Baunya itu lho! Bikin mual. Heran, bau minyak tanah itu lumayan enak (in this case we talk about minyak tanah dalam drum besar-Klasemanian, inget Bu Kup?), tapi solar dan bensin nggak. Why?
Sopir taksi sudah menyemprotkan pengharum ruangan ke bajunya, banyak (!!!), tapi tetap saja, bau bensin itu menemani kami bertiga sepanjang jalan. My, what a luck!
The nauseating odor put aside, along the trip I enjoyed a lot of nature’s beauty. Gunung-gunung yang satu demi satu muncul dan menghilang, they’re amazing! And the one I missed the most, Merbabu, I don’t know how to explain it, but I felt he’s getting old. =P
Around six we arrived home. Saga home. Yang sudah berubah, berganti pagar. =( Belum jadi sih (sekarang mungkin sudah), tapi yang pasti, teras depan berkurang kira2 setengah meter. (Hey..that’s another story!)
I repeat, we arrived home. =)
This is where this part ends…
